Routine? Schedule? Ha!

I made a crucial mistake when I created a schedule for myself: I based it on what I should be able to do, not what I can do. It kills me to realize that.

As I made the schedule, I kept thinking how absurd it is that I could only spend six hours a day on work or household stuff. Truth is, I’m lucky if I can get three good hours in a day right now. As hard as I try, I’ll never silence my inner overachiever.

I faced some facts last night. I’m in a horrible migraine and headache spell that began on Christmas Eve. I don’t get to decide that four months is long enough and that the migraines should go away now. I expect too much of myself even when I feel terrible. I’m so tired that implementing any treatment that might provide relief takes more energy than I can spare.

There were good revelations too. I don’t think I’m depressed, just tired, sad and frustrated. Purging the stuff from our house makes me feel better emotionally, if not physically. I don’t have to do anything I don’t feel up to doing. I’m thankful that we don’t have kids or even a dog.

I had a great 45 minutes this morning when I saw that it was sunny, bounded out of bed, showered and started this post. That’s all the peppiness I could spare. At least I’ll make a lot of progress on the baby blanket I’m crocheting while I’m watching baseball. And the sun is still shining — after a Seattle winter, literally is almost as good as metaphorically.

4 Responses to Routine? Schedule? Ha!

  1. Angel says:

    I understand the overachiever part….after 12 years of chronic illness, you’d think I’d learn my lesson and not overschedule like I did today 😉

    I think though it is a testimony to your spirit, how you don’t quit and you don’t give up.

    I bet the blanket is beautiful–enjoy the sunshine (trust me, I’d like to share some of ours, it’s already in the high 80’s!)

    Thanks. You’ve made me feel great.


  2. KL says:

    I just found your blog and even though I am not suffering anything near what you do, I am scared. I deal with depression and anxiety already (and take meds for both.) I’ve been ill with what we are guessing is a sinus infection. I’ve had headaches more days than not for the past few weeks – some of them that just make me want to be unconscious. I have no insurance because I just finished my teaching internship. I actually will graduate in a week. But I can’t even think to enjoy that fact because of the vice my head is in. I’m on antibiotics, but I guess I am going to call the dr. on monday and talk about getting that sinus CT done, even though I really can’t afford it. Heck, I can’t afford anything right now so what difference does that make 🙂 Exercise is what keeps my depression and anxiety at bay and I haven’t done much of that at all with these headaches. I don’t know how you do it. Are you still able to exercise? You know, after writing all this I really dont’ know what my point is. I feel like a burden to my husband and 9 year old. I’m not the person I was a month ago and it bothers me.

    I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. If your CT scan doesn’t show a sinus infection, then you can start getting headache treatment sooner. It can take drugs a couple months to take effect, so the sooner usually means the better.

    The severity of my symptoms determines whether or not I can exercise. The last few months have been so bad that I haven’t exercised much. When I do, I go for low impact exercise, like walking.

    I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find relief soon.


  3. Susan says:

    Thank you for your post on incremental doings. That’s the second time today I’ve read it. The first was in a book by Julia Cameron.

    She said, “The doing of a small something when a large something is too much for us is perhaps especially an act of faith.”

    It’s hard to remember that small things add up.

    That’s a terrific quote. Do you know the name of the book it was in?


  4. Susan says:

    It’s from Finding Water: The Art of Perserverance.

    Her books are supposd to help you build up the artist within you with a 12 week program. The first week is about finding and maintaining optimism.

    I was a little afraid to give the name before because I didn’t want to look like a spammer.

    Thanks for the name — and for not being a spammer. 🙂


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