Chronic Migraine, Coping

Finding My Spark

“I’m back,” I thought as I wrote Migraine’s Not the Boss of Me. “Kerrie’s back,” Hart said to me after reading In Gratitude for My Imperfect Body. Neither of us were excited merely because I’d posted or even that I’d written about feeling better and practicing yoga. We were both struck by the style in which the posts were written — we both heard my long-absent “voice.”

When I began to write last week, I experienced the same uncertainty as when I first started blogging. I felt awkward and unsure about my writing; not convinced I was presenting my thoughts accurately or representing my ideas in the “right” way. (I think this is pretty common when someone publishes their writing to a new audience.) My nervousness eased when, with Hart’s confirmation, I saw I’d fallen right back in as if I’d never left. The pile of draft posts I’ve written over the past few years is entirely different. Even the ones I deemed complete weren’t publishable. They all sound flat and hollow. There was a spark missing in those mediocre drafts.

There was, I realized in a sleepy haze in the middle of the night, a spark missing in my life. I rolled over, barely awake, and smiled as I thought of everything I could do today. I feel like I have options for the first time in years. The available choices in a day haven’t really changed — I could blog or cook or craft or clean — but anything seems possible and, even better, exciting.

I can speculate on reasons for this shift: Migraine has less of a physical, mental and emotional impact than it did. The episodes are less frequent and less intense. I am able to recognize the accompanying emotional fluctuations as a symptom of the illness instead of being carried away by depression. I no longer feel like migraine will suffocate me.

Whatever the reason, I’ve got my groove back. The passionate, creative, enthusiastic woman I thought I’d lost to migraine was only obscured, not destroyed. I’m glad I’m here to celebrate.

13 thoughts on “Finding My Spark”

  1. Thanks for all the kind comments! I am working on a post on all the reasons I think I’m doing better. I can’t pinpoint one thing — it is a variety of medication, lifestyle changes, exercise and self-care that’s brought me here. I’ll let you know details soon.


  2. I just found your site and applaud you. I too suffer from awful debilitating chronic almost daily migraines. They’ve been like this for almost 7 years, since I became pregnant with my first daughter. I have been blessed in my beautiful daughters, my understanding husband and my job that is flexible and has allowed me to primarily work from home. . . but it is a struggle each and every day to remember these things and not fall into an abyss. I’ve tried countless doctors, prophylactics, etc. and even the things that work, at least so far, haven’t worked long term. I refuse to give in and never will. . but it is a daily struggle. As sorry as I am that you too suffer this way, please know that your posts are providing a lot of comfort for this fellow sufferer. Stay strong and positive! Jen

  3. I just came across your blog recently but I am glad to hear you will continue writing. I’m 22 and have had headaches since I was 15 and chronic migraines for the last two years. I have greatly enjoyed reading your blog, it helps me remember that I am not alone in this struggle. Your enthusiasm gives me hope when I feel like I’m drowning. Thank you.

  4. To what do you attribute this recent success?! I’m asking because I have had a headache/migraine since June of this year. I am uninsured which has made my quest for a cure more difficult! I’ve been following your blog for about a year now, but wanted to say: Congrats, girl!

  5. I am beaming! This is just wonderful. You’ve been there all along, so now you’ll always know – if you ever need the reminder – that you will always return to this place when all the forces at work are ready for you. Yes!

  6. It’s great to hear your “voice” again Kerrie 🙂 I look forward to hopefully reading more posts. My chronic migraine is still just as bad as well but it’s all in the perspective, isn’t it? Welcome back

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