Woman Heartbroken After Ending Love Affair

I’ve declared my passionate involvement with peanut butter before; suffice it to say that the flame still burns strong. But my my beloved has betrayed me. It’s time to face the facts: Peanut butter, the most perfect food ever, triggers some a lot of my severe headaches.

While the breakup is painful, I am equipped to resist temptation. The killer headache that followed a particularly intense rendezvous revealed how vengeful my dear peanut butter is. My immediate response was to exact revenge — I went for peanut butter’s cousin, sunflower seed butter. Oh. My. God. Big mistake.

I’ve finally learned that enough is enough.

To avoid giving in to peanut butter’s seductive powers, I have printed this skull and crossbones and stuck it on the jar. It’s the kind that has to be refrigerated, so I’ll let Hart finish it. After that he will have to buy and hide Jif, just in case my resistance strategies aren’t enough.

It’s a sad day in Seattle. But I am strong. I crank up the ABBA and know that I will survive.

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