“People cry, not because they’re weak. It’s because they’ve been strong too long.” The National Headache Foundation posted that on Facebook last week, right when I was wondering how much more I could possibly endure. I’d had five weeks of nearly perpetual migraine and I was well beyond the end of my wits.
Sunday night I had an epic crying session. I wanted out of this body, this cage. I was tired of having to fight to do the smallest tasks, like eating or showering. I didn’t want be sick anymore. I howled and shook with frustration and fear for hours. My sweet husband held me and told me that even if I was too exhausted to fight, he was not. He told me not to underestimate my own strength. He told me that even if my life is harder than it has any right to be, it is a life worth living. With his kind words and solid grasp, Hart reignited my courage and determination.
My illness has changed Hart’s life nearly as much as it has altered mine. He married an equal, yet now finds himself supporting us financially, running our household and taking care of me. Instead of spending evenings at concerts, movies or with friends, he makes popcorn and we watch Netflix. I try to minimize the impact of my illness on him. I’m honest with him about how I feel, but when I’m in ruts like I was last week, I tend to stop talking about it. Since I isolate myself from everyone else when the migraines are bad, Hart’s my lifeline.
Sunday’s emotional implosion was not only because I’d been strong too long; it was because I did not allow anyone else to ease the burden. I don’t know how I will overcome the desire to isolate myself when I am sick, but I can’t keep trying to manage this life on my own. Though strong-willed is one of my defining characteristics, no one can carry the weight of chronic, debilitating illness alone.