“I’m Trying So Hard”

It is past noon. I’m finally out of bed and have showered and dressed. I want to write. I want to get the house ready for my mom’s visit next week. I want to bake Christmas cookies to decorate with friends this weekend. Yet here I am, slumped over at the dining table with my head pounding. I didn’t even mean to stop at the dining table. I was on my way from the kitchen to the living room, but my body is so tired and it hurts so much to move. I saw the chair and had to rest for a minute.

Feeling defeated, I mentally wailed, “I’M TRYING SO HARD!” Then a funny thing happened: I relaxed. Beginning with my shoulders, my muscles released. I felt calm and, of all things, satisfied. I am doing my best and I’m able to recognize it. I’m not berating myself for being lazy or wondering if I’m exaggerating my illness. I have a migraine. I am sick. And it is not my fault. IT IS NOT MY FAULT!

I don’t think I’ve ever used all caps on the blog before. It feels good. I’M WORKING MY BUTT OFF TO LIVE A GOOD LIFE DESPITE HAVING A CHRONIC, DEBILITATING ILLNESS AND I’M KICKING ASS!

(crawling to the couch now)