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Who’s in Control, Migraine or Me?

I was pleasantly surprised when I woke up this morning to discover that I felt pretty good. Once upon a time, I would have lazed in bed, planning for everything I would do during the day. After repeatedly getting up to start the wonderful day I’d mapped out only to get a migraine within 15 minutes of getting out of bed, I stopped that daydreaming about five years ago. Since then, I’ve instead lazed in bed, enjoying every moment until my head began to hurt again. Today I tried a new approach. I got up immediately, eager to take on whatever I could while the migraine was at bay.

As soon as I got out of bed, I knew the lack of a migraine was only an illusion. The pain wasn’t too bad, but I was so weak and dizzy. Still, I worked my way to the living room to pick up my laptop. I picked it up alright. Then I sunk down on the couch and plopped the unopened computer on my lap. I just needed to gather some strength before carrying it to my desk. That’s what I told myself over and over as the minutes dragged on.

And there I was, back in severe migraine and my nausea increasing, within half an hour of waking up thinking I had a productive day ahead of me. I can read novels again (after a four-year migraine-induced hiatus!), so the time spent in a migraine attack no longer feels completely wasted. Yet I get so tired of day after day passing without being able to write a post or call a friend or do the dishes. Even though I feel much better than I did at my worst, I spend so many days being unproductive and antisocial. I am more than migraine, but migraine pervades — and limits — all aspects of my being. Do I really believe migraine is not the boss of me?

P.S. Loss of Productivity During a Migraine Attack is an excellent post by Nancy Harris Bonk on the frustrations of being incapacitated by migraine.

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My Blog. My Content.

Although I call The Daily Headache my blog, it has never truly been mine. My original goal was to help others with headache disorders. I didn’t intend to write about myself and I feel selfish and self-centered when I do. While I consider my high level of empathy to be a positive trait, helping others usually takes precedent over my own needs. I’ve spent my adult life caring for others at the expense of myself. I’m beginning to rectify that.

I am claiming The Daily Headache as MINE. I’m done being a headache blogger solely focused on her audience. It is time for me to embrace the title of writer. A writer who happens to have chronic migraine, but who writes about whatever is on her mind. It may be that everything I have to say is headache-centric. Maybe not. We’ll have to see.

Readers, though my initial plan was to blog for you, I have received more than I have given. I still care about you, but have learned that I need to write for myself, not for you. I hope you stick around and enjoy The Daily Headache’s new incarnation.

I have no control over these crazy migraines, but I do have control over my career. Goodbye, headache blogger — Hello, WRITER.

Thanks to Sue for the perfect title to this post.