Crisis, Fear, Heartbreak… and Peace of Mind?

lightning“Hellish” does not sufficiently describe the last couple days. 16 hours after the last infusion ended, I suddenly, shockingly developed a migraine aura. This is disconcerting because I have migraine without aura. The closest I’d come to an aura before Saturday is that I occasionally get faint flashes in my peripheral vision after a migraine attack is already well in progress. These are so minor and indistinct that my diagnosis is still migraine without aura. This time, bright, flashing lights filling my vision marked the start of increasingly severe auras that come on each time I eat. They aren’t just visual. I feel dizzy and like I’m going to faint, I become bereft and irritable, I see gray splotches and flashing lights and have tunnel vision. (Interestingly, of the four times this has happened, the aura has not been followed by other migraine symptoms.)

I know enough about migraine to know this is not an unusual aura (so I wasn’t worried I was having a stroke), but the sudden, dramatic change was scary. More terrifying were the thoughts that this would become my new normal, that the life I knew six months ago will never again be mine, that yet another treatment I tried would worsen my symptoms permanently, that I will never again feel like my migraines are manageable.

With the second aura, Sunday morning, I started methysergide, a migraine preventive my doctor prescribed for me to start after the infusions. Like DHE, methysergide is an ergot. Also like DHE, methysergide cannot be taken with triptans or Midrin. A 24-hour buffer between an ergot and triptans or Midrin is required. I had that because of the DHE infusions, so it seemed like a good time to start.

Things just got worse. I was still testing to see what my food reactions were, so I was eating more than the usual twice a day. Sunday, I had three auras, each with worse mood symptoms than the previous one. Those words are ridiculously insufficient to describe what I felt. The last aura left me sobbing, heartbroken and terrified. I was in some of the most intense grief I have ever endured. I felt like someone dear to me had died. I felt like my life was ending. This was the migraine talking and I knew it, but that didn’t stop the fear. Hart found me crumpled in a heap on the bedroom floor, wailing and keening. He held me until I calmed down enough to fall into an exhausted sleep.

It is Monday afternoon. After some reading, I have cobbled together a biological explanation for the new-to-me aura and mood changes. This has soothed my mind somewhat, but is based primarily on conjecture. I have a call into my doctor. I have an appointment with him in July. I swallowed the last methysergide I will ever take at 10 p.m. last night. I ate for the first time today an hour ago and the aura symptoms seem to be taking longer to develop than yesterday. If a migraine/aura hijacks my mood again, I will listen to podcasts and follow a guided meditation on fear. Tomorrow, I will return to two meals a day followed by Amerge and Midrin. I have a plan.

I am still scared, but am no longer frantic. Loss of the life I’ve come to know no longer feels imminent. I have steps in place to reduce the frequency of migraine attacks that I believe will also reduce their severity. It may or may not work. Instead of worrying, I’m trying to stay with what is, not what might be. While panicking last night, I tried to remind myself that I only know this moment and cannot know the future. This has been a useful practice the last few months, but wasn’t comforting last night. Today it is. To say I am calm is a lie, but I’m experiencing some peace of mind. I am focused, determined, resolute, committed, resilient, present.

I can do this.

Whatever “this” turns out to be.