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Chronic Illness and Marriage

Chronic illness and marriage is such a complicated combination that it’s rare to see a healthy spouse’s perspective on their partner’s chronic illness. I read Living With a Husband’s Chronic Illness Has a Bad Effect on His Wife’s Health eager for insight. I didn’t like the insight I got.

I genuinely wanted to read what this woman had to say, to see her difficult experiences and uncomfortable thoughts laid bare. My immediate response? To get defensive and write a long post about it. The gist: “How unfair that she’s taking her husband’s illness out on him. Does she realize he may be watching too much TV because he can’t do anything else? And, yes, that includes folding the laundry while watching.”

Instead of posting my inflamed response, I re-read the article many times over the week. , the author, knows she’s being unfair, but she’s exhausted and burnt out. She knows her husband isn’t to blame, but she doesn’t know where else to direct her anger and resentment. (She may not know that it’s possible to be too sick to fold laundry. I expect not many people can understand that unless they’ve lived it.)

Writing this article took tremendous bravery. Lewis admitted ugly truths about herself and her thoughts and published it anyway. She wrote honestly about a topic so painful and verboten that few people are candid about it (especially in print).

Of course I don’t like what she had to say. I have a chronic illness that’s had a tremendous impact on my husband. I’ve heard the saddest stories about how chronic illness destroys relationships. There’s an oft-cited statistic that the lifetime divorce rate is 75% for people with chronic illness (the overall lifetime divorce rate is highly debated, but 42% seems to be a reasonable estimate.). There’s some question over whether this number is accurate, though experts agree that the divorce rate for the chronically ill is very high.

I’m working on an article for Migraine.com about managing migraine’s impact on a marriage. One of the suggestions is to talk about migraine’s affect on the relationship. I say, “The truth will probably hurt both of you. Talk about it anyway.” And then I read this article from a healthy caregiver and was hurt by truths from someone else’s relationship. This is emotionally fraught stuff.

I applaud for her courage and honesty. The difficulties of caring for a chronically ill spouse need to be acknowledged, even though many of those who are sick won’t like what we read.

Here are some resources for learning how to support a marriage in the face of chronic illness (I’ll add my Migraine.com piece when it’s published):

Feb. 17, 2015: 8 Tips to Manage Migraine’s Impact on Marriage is that Migraine.com post I mentioned I was working on. It is migraine-focused, but the ideas apply to most, if not all, illnesses.

7 Responses to Chronic Illness and Marriage

  1. Deborah says:

    I read the same article and as a caregiver I know what she is talking about. It is very hard to learn to make your new reality work in your relationship. It is so hard to watch someone you love suffer but at the same time it is very difficult to feel that everything is your responsibility. It takes commitment, compassion and determination to make any marriage work and throw in a chronic illness and it can get even more complicated but it is not impossible. In spite of my husband’s chronic illness we have a wonderful marriage for which I am truly grateful!

  2. Katie Burke says:

    “The truth will probably hurt both of you. Talk about it anyway.” Beautiful.

  3. Kelly says:

    Kerrie, I really appreciate your post in bringing this issue of chronic illness and marriage to light and look forward to reading what you share on migraine.com. It is SO important to talk about. Thank you for your honesty about your reaction to the post. I am glad you shared it and as my husband I both have chronic illnesses and have to be caregivers to each other. Based on your statistics, our marriage probably shouldn’t survive…but it will! :) I own the book you referenced though I haven’t read much yet. I’m glad you provided the resources!

    In late 2012, seven years into my disabling chronic illnesses, I found my husband unconscious & seizing. He was rushed to the ER, on a ventilator (unable to breathe on his own), in a coma and his kidneys eventually started failing. Thankfully, he survived after it being touch and go, but when he awoke, we found out it was a suicide attempt. He had severe undiagnosed depression. What we know now is he had not been equipped with the tools to handle emotions since childhood even though he has had Crohn’s disease since he was little, and seven years of coping with mine was too much and he had a psychotic break despite the fact that we were doing what I felt as everything “right” including talking truth/going to individual & joint therapy. My chronic illnesses most certainly had a bad effect on my husband’s health and it was a horrid- cold water in the face realization.

    Your post inspired me to share a post about my situation with my husband which I’m in the process of writing. I really appreciate what you wrote because it got me thinking about my own situation in life and evaluate what if anything we could have done differently.
    Thanks again for sharing. Your honesty is refreshing.

    • Kelly, wow, your husband and your marriage have been through so much. Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly. I think it’s important for people to see that chronic illness can be detrimental to relationships even when people are doing things “right.” I don’t mean that as a discouragement, but that we all stumble and we all fail, but it’s possible to pick up ourselves and our partners and make our relationships strong again. I’m looking forward to reading your post.

      Kerrie

  4. Alexandra says:

    It’s also the system. I still love my husband but because of my income we can’t get any help. I can just barely afford to keep a roof over our heads and things like internet, tv and going out once a week. But I have fibromyaligia and chronic fatigue syndrome and am barely managing my full time job. But because I’m married to him I’m also supposed to do the cleaning, cooking and shopping. That means right now we’re living on microwave meals and we’re having eviction threats against us because I can’t keep up with the household. We need household assistance but I can’t pay for it and due to my income we can’t get assistance. It would be easier if he lived by himself or in an adult foster home so I wouldn’t have to also do his part of the household but I can’t afford that either. So I’m finding myself having to consider divorce not because I don’t love him anymore but because -my health is worsening every day because of this-. I wrote my own vows and said i’d stay with him as long as it wasn’t harming me, (after a previous abusive marriage I felt that was a good thing to put in vows) and now the marriage is harming me, even if not through actions of his. If the system had support for spouses of disabled/chronically ill people even if their income was a little over the federal poverty line (I’m in the US, sorry if this is not a US blog) then it would be soo much more possible to stay together. But without help the caregiving job is absolutely exhausting and even respite care costs money. Without support, people will not be able to hang in there and do it daily for years on end. I wish all those politicians who always talk about the importance of marriage put their money where their mouth is and made it possible for caregiving spouses to get some help :(

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