By Kerrie Smyres | February 13, 2013
I fall for it every time. One good week and I assume every week thereafter will be exactly the same: low pain, little fatigue, high energy. Two weeks ago I went to four yoga classes, cleaned, ran errands, and wrote like crazy. The next week was only two yoga classes, a little writing, and one massively productive day around the house. This week? Nada. Well, I made it to yoga Monday, but have otherwise done very little. My mind, in its unhelpful negative self-talk mode, says I’m being lazy. My body, with its bone-deep fatigue, nausea, and aching head, says I need to rest.
Not only do I assume each week will be the same as (or better than) previous weeks, but if it isn’t, my default belief is that I’m doing something wrong. I’m not sleeping at the right times or eating the right food or doing the right amount of exercise. With the amount of emotional energy I spend trying to do everything right or following up on all the “shoulds,” you’d be hard-pressed to know that I’m rather a free spirit. Attempting to keep migraine at bay has turned me into a rule follower. That there’s an infinite number of rules, none of which apply all the time or to everyone with migraine, makes me exert even more effort toward perfection.
I cannot think that the diet isn’t working wonders. I won’t let myself believe that I’m not making continual progress. Which is totally absurd. I have had chronic daily headache for 25 years and debilitating chronic migraine for more than a decade. Assuming that improvement will be linear is illogical. There will be ups and downs, steps forward and steps back. I know all this. Now how do I believe it?
Time to back off, breathe deeply, and just be. Be without scrutinizing, judging, or attempting to change. These are the big lessons in life that I embrace in theory. Applying them is the challenge.