A Little Relief, A Little Anxiety

One of my greatest fears is that I’ll find an effective treatment that will reduce the intensity and/or frequency of the migraines for awhile, then it will stop working. I’ve heard plenty of anecdotes about this, though I don’t know how often this happens percentage-wise. Just knowing it happens is enough to worry me.

After 48 hours of level 3 pain after my magnesium infusion, the pain increased with the onset of three-day storm on Saturday. I did not panic because I knew that a storm was likely to trigger a migraine even if I was overall improved. Sunday and Monday were a little better, but still mediocre. Another migraine hit Tuesday, right after the storm cleared. I soothed myself by remembering that many headache specialists say that weather changes are triggers for most migraineurs. (I mentioned this to Hart to reassure him — he was telling himself the same thing!) Today, though, I can no longer blame the weather. So the constant questions resume — Am I in postdrome? Will the magnesium infusion only last one week?

Over the weekend, I hadn’t begun to consciously worry about the magnesium infusion wearing off too quickly or not being as effective in the future; the concern was apparently below my consciousness. While napping Sunday in an effort to recharge myself to visit friends in the afternoon, I had a new kind of anxiety dream. It had something to do with getting to the end of the semester without attending or dropping a particular class, which is how anxiety usually manifests while I sleep. This time, I missed classes because the magnesium infusions were no longer able to bring the pain down to a level 3.

Usually I awake from anxiety dreams and am able to calm myself knowing I’m not currently a student. I know I’m probably worried about something, but am reassured that whatever got my heart racing in the dream was not real. This time the source of anxiety in the dream was not only a possibility, but culled directly from one of my greatest fears. I have elaborate, bizarre dreams that provide an amusing respite from my daily life. I’m unhappy that reality intruded, though so far I’ve only had the dream once.

I believe I’m finally recovering from the long weekend of migraines and am hoping, hoping, hoping that tomorrow I’ll again see the benefits of last week’s magnesium infusion. I can’t put into words how much I want this to work. I’ve gotten a glimpse of what life might be like with less pain and more energy and I want more of that. Please, migraine gods, please let me have some more.

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