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Today I am Mad and Sad

Yesterday I was overjoyed to recognize that I’m doing the best I can. Today I’m curled up on the couch — head pounding, tummy aching, sensitive to light and sound — and I’m angry.

The farmers’ market has brioche doughnuts for a special bake sale today. Many extra vendors are set up, selling local crafts. I want to be eating deep fried buttery dough while strolling the aisles for a perfect gift. But, no, I’m at home for the fourth consecutive day with a level 8 migraine.

Hart’s cleaning the house for my mom’s visit, spending his free time taking care of me. He works, in part, to support me and keep me with health insurance. I bring in very little income, so he has to make sure the bills are covered. Instead of relaxing in his non-work hours, he does the full share of housework. And he doesn’t even get to listen to music while doing it because music is too much for my head right now. He’s not even sick and yet he suffers. He clams it is worth it to get to spend time with me. Today I find that hard to believe.

I’m mad that I don’t get to live the life I want to live and sad that my husband can’t either. I know it isn’t because of me, but it is because of my illness. I know I shouldn’t feel responsible, but I do. I’m mad and I’m sad and my freaking head hurts. And I can’t even comfort myself with a latte because coffee is a suspected trigger. Grr.

10 Responses to Today I am Mad and Sad

  1. Valerie says:

    I know how you feel!! My husband is left to handle 99% of the housework & caring for me & the two kids. It’s terrible.

  2. syd says:

    For myself, I often wonder if the headaches are the hardest part — or the emotional fallout that surrounds them.

  3. Nancy says:

    Kerrie – I’m thinking of you and sympathizing at the same time. Many a day has passed when I wished I could be part of life rather than rolled up in a ball massaging my head as if that will somehow make the constant pain go away. Your husband loves you, relax and don’t let this worry you any more.

  4. Virginia Smyres says:

    Don’t stress over getting things ready for your Mom’s visit. I just want some hugs and kisses and to “lax.” (Mindy’s toddler word) You should see the messes I am leaving in MY house!

    Love,
    Mom

  5. Margaret says:

    Thinking about you both. Love and hugs from afar.

  6. Julie says:

    Hi Kerrie,
    Thanks for posting. That’s chronic migraine for you – managing one day and not managing at all the next. I’ll bet your mom just wants to see you and Hart, not inspect your home for dust. Hope you have fun 🙂

  7. Kelly says:

    I have visited your blog a few tines before. I am 20 and suffering headaches that have become daily over the past few months. I don’t want to start experimenting and using money on a bunch if different treatments at my age. This is the age I should be living carefree with college studies as my only source of pain and stress. I am going to my new doctor on the 27th and telling g her, look, set me up for an MRI and if nothing shows up on that, refer me to a specialist. I’ve never pictured my life being like this at such a young age. I’ve actually been inspired by a few of your posts, about still trying to live life despite the pain. I like you, have a fantastic boyfriend that wouldn’t abandon me even if I were screaming in agony every second. Without him id be completely sour In life.
    Let us know if you experience notice results. Sorry if this long comment bugged you, haha.

  8. Kelly says:

    Sorry, I meant to say if you have results with botox. Also, I am having a scary new symptom..I’m having nose bleeds a long with my chronic headache. My blood pressure isn’t high usually either. If you have nose bleeds with headache, please mention this in a Post, cause I’m feeling like I’m the only one who gets nose bleeds combined with headache.

  9. minta says:

    I had migraine for 10 years. Two children, husband and full time job. I had headache twice a week it was horrible. I couldn’t live without medication.Tried all natural things, herbs, acupuncture massages, diet. Doctors not helping in this case only can give you medication so you can use it all your life.
    6 moths ago my coworker gave me book GREEN FOR LIFE (Victoria Boutenko). This book changed my life. I drink green smoothies every morning and don’t have headaches anymore. I am free of pain and can enjoy my life again.

  10. Sue says:

    I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time right now. I understand your frustration.

    So often people will ask how my husband is doing (he has MS and Diabetes and is in a wheelchair – but he’s otherwise remarkably healthy) – at the same time they ask me how on earth I manage to take care of him when head is always in so much pain.

    I am always sure to tell them that he takes care of me far more often than I ever have to take care of him. The way we see it – it all works out at the end of the day. Neither of us signed up for the life we have now (at least not the part where we’re both chronically ill), but it is what it is, so we take it a day at a time.

    Every time he does something wonderful for me, I remember that I would do the same for him in a heartbeat (and I do). In sickness and in health – wow – when we married 30 years ago, we had NO idea what that was going to mean.

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