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Romantic Relationships, Marriage & Chronic Illness
By Kerrie Smyres | June 15, 2007
Whether you’re married, living together or dating, chronic illness causes upheaval in any romantic relationship — no matter if it is solid or if it’s a little rocky. In marriages involving a chronic illness, the divorce rate is more that 75 percent (from A Chronic Dose).
I get asked for advice a lot and am always at a loss for what to say. I’ve finally stumbled upon some helpful resources. They all focus on marriage, but some themes are universal.
Keeping Your Marriage Strong
This overview is a good place to start exploring the topic. It addresses many different topics and gives some suggestions for improving your relationship.How to Survive a Health Crisis or Chronic Illness
An excellent in-depth article covering a swath of issues that couples face. It has concrete, detailed suggestions for keeping your relationship strong.Marriage and Chronic Illness: A Couple’s Story
One couple’s experience with chronic illness and how it ultimately improved their marriage.
Topics: Coping, Society | 7 Comments »
June 19th, 2007 at 9:25 am
This is such an important aspect of life for all of us who are dealing with chronic illnesses. I know that my boyfriend is frustrated with my chronic daily headaches, and while he is so supportive and helpful, it definitely puts a strain on our relationship. I’m certainly going to check out those resources, thank you so much.
Also, if you don’t mind, I’m going to post a link to your blog on my blog page – I recently started blogging about my headaches.
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I’m glad to hear that your boyfriend is supportive. My husband is too, but you’re right that it is still strains our relationship.
Thanks for the link. I’ve added you to my blogroll too. You’re off to a great start. I’m looking forward to reading more of your blog.
Take care,
Kerrie
June 20th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
Illness is so terribly hard on even the happiest marriage. But I feel incredibly lucky to have a wonderful partner and best friend in my husband. In a weird way, I think my (our) struggles have made us closer than ever.
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I totally agree. I don’t think I could do this without Hart.
Kerrie
April 27th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
I am 42 and my wife is 41. She has had Fibromyalgia for the last 14 years. I am not saying this is true for everyone but we have found that when the weather is warmer and more humid, she feels much better. Because of this we moved from Kansas City to Nashville TN. She was fine for 10 years, the condition was still there but better. After that 10 years it became unberable for her again so we moved to Florida. I am hoping it lasts at least 10 more years. She is able to hold a job and is a very good employee. I can identify with Greg Piburn. I too have had to take on more of the relationship than a husband in a relationship with 2 healthy people. The hardest part for me is the times of lack of sex. It is rough. My wife, whom I do love very much said, if it was so bad in those times of no sex, if I did end up taking care of the need outside the marriage, she would not hold it against me, just so long as I never mentioned it to her.
May 18th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I am married to a man with migraines and other off and on issues and it is SO hard. I feel terrible lonely and need him for myself and my childern. I find myself becomeing more angy and I hate myself for it. It has effected who we both are for the worse and it’s hard because we usually awsome together.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:29 am
I suffer with numerous health issues and as I did some searching today, I came upon your blog. Firstly, great job! I look forward to visiting your site often. I am doing a new blog post today about the effects of chronic illness on marriage and really appreciate the links to resources. My illnesses have been a terrible strain on my marriage and I do understand how the divorce rates are so high in such situations. My husband is extremely supportive but I feel so guilty for what he must go through that I tell him quite regularly to leave me. I know that may sound ridiculous but I just want him to share his life with someone that can actually participate in life. Anyhow, thanks again, great site and I will come visit often.
Take care,
Jeannette :>)
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:39 am
I have been chronically ill to the point of disability for just over a year now. My husband of eight years and I separated two days ago. He has issues that I just can’t handle with my low energy. A stronger woman could love him better. His bad moods and issues have really affected our children and since he left two days ago, I’ve found I feel much better, like his energy was making my illness worse. Thanks for touching on this subject. xo
June 24th, 2011 at 7:20 am
For anyone who reads this, whether you are the sick one, or not, know this: if you are the one with the illness, learn to take care of yourself. Be independent in your relationship no matter how hard it is, so your spouse will not resent you. Because if they end up resenting you and leaving, you will be doing it all by yourself any ways, might as well start while you are married. If you are the spouse of a sick one, know this; we cannot help it that we are sick, but we can help how much we place on you, but we will never know your limits if you don’t tell us.
Rosie I am so sorry. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness three years ago, right after I married the man of my dreams. It is not the kind of illness where I am disabled, but I did have a ton of bad nights, doctor visits, and a week of being hospitalized already, and I’m only three years into my illness. It’s an autoimmune disease where my immune system acts up a lot and I get sick often but I am fortunate enough to still participate in life with all of my friends. I just can’t go hiking and stuff like that.
My husband started resenting me for my illness a little over a year ago and as of 4 months ago we separated and are now getting a divorce. My suggestion to you Rosie is to try and let him know where this is going. I felt so much better too when I left my husband, I felt stronger, and physically healthier. But it will all crash. Now I am sick again and he is not there to help me. No one is, because people don’t warn you about divorce, all of your friends disappear bc they do not know what to say. The stress of maintaining a home by yourself and animals or kids by yourself is a big deal and the stressors will come back and the heartache will be tortuous.
Please, for me, try to work on your marriage. Go to counseling before it’s too late. My husbad and I did and said somethings that can never be repaired now. I am now the one resentful at God and him for allowing me to get sick and destroying my marriage and all of my hopes and dreams. Finding someone new who will be willing to put up with my illness along with just my regular flaws will be a huge challenge for me. My life has just ended and it feels like someone just died. If you haven’t been through a divorce please don’t be fooled like I was, its not a break up, its one of the most emotionally hard things you will ever feel in your life, each day it feels like someone close to you just died, over and over again. It’s only been two months since my divorce was decided offical, and I am no where near healed. I want you Rosie to know this is only a phase. He may cause you stress while in your marriage and it will keep you sick at times, but that is nothing like what an actual divorce will do to you. I am very sick now and barely hanging on. Stress increases my disease flare ups immensly so I am very sick now.
I hope everyone finds peace. Including myself. I hope we all figure it out and I hope we all learn to be honest with ourselves and each other. Life is too short for all of these games, and life is very precious if you are a sufferer of a chronic illness. So everyone be good to yourselves and your spouses. Be open minded to try new ways at things and willing to work at them. Please for me, save you marriages. I would never wish this feeling I am going through on anyone.
God Bless you – Tracy