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Routine? Schedule? Ha!

I made a crucial mistake when I created a schedule for myself: I based it on what I should be able to do, not what I can do. It kills me to realize that.

As I made the schedule, I kept thinking how absurd it is that I could only spend six hours a day on work or household stuff. Truth is, I’m lucky if I can get three good hours in a day right now. As hard as I try, I’ll never silence my inner overachiever.

I faced some facts last night. I’m in a horrible migraine and headache spell that began on Christmas Eve. I don’t get to decide that four months is long enough and that the migraines should go away now. I expect too much of myself even when I feel terrible. I’m so tired that implementing any treatment that might provide relief takes more energy than I can spare.

There were good revelations too. I don’t think I’m depressed, just tired, sad and frustrated. Purging the stuff from our house makes me feel better emotionally, if not physically. I don’t have to do anything I don’t feel up to doing. I’m thankful that we don’t have kids or even a dog.

I had a great 45 minutes this morning when I saw that it was sunny, bounded out of bed, showered and started this post. That’s all the peppiness I could spare. At least I’ll make a lot of progress on the baby blanket I’m crocheting while I’m watching baseball. And the sun is still shining — after a Seattle winter, literally is almost as good as metaphorically.

4 Responses to Routine? Schedule? Ha!

  1. Angel says:

    I understand the overachiever part….after 12 years of chronic illness, you’d think I’d learn my lesson and not overschedule like I did today 😉

    I think though it is a testimony to your spirit, how you don’t quit and you don’t give up.

    I bet the blanket is beautiful–enjoy the sunshine (trust me, I’d like to share some of ours, it’s already in the high 80’s!)

    *******
    Thanks. You’ve made me feel great.

    Kerrie

  2. KL says:

    I just found your blog and even though I am not suffering anything near what you do, I am scared. I deal with depression and anxiety already (and take meds for both.) I’ve been ill with what we are guessing is a sinus infection. I’ve had headaches more days than not for the past few weeks – some of them that just make me want to be unconscious. I have no insurance because I just finished my teaching internship. I actually will graduate in a week. But I can’t even think to enjoy that fact because of the vice my head is in. I’m on antibiotics, but I guess I am going to call the dr. on monday and talk about getting that sinus CT done, even though I really can’t afford it. Heck, I can’t afford anything right now so what difference does that make 🙂 Exercise is what keeps my depression and anxiety at bay and I haven’t done much of that at all with these headaches. I don’t know how you do it. Are you still able to exercise? You know, after writing all this I really dont’ know what my point is. I feel like a burden to my husband and 9 year old. I’m not the person I was a month ago and it bothers me.

    *********
    I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. If your CT scan doesn’t show a sinus infection, then you can start getting headache treatment sooner. It can take drugs a couple months to take effect, so the sooner usually means the better.

    The severity of my symptoms determines whether or not I can exercise. The last few months have been so bad that I haven’t exercised much. When I do, I go for low impact exercise, like walking.

    I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find relief soon.

    Kerrie

  3. Susan says:

    Thank you for your post on incremental doings. That’s the second time today I’ve read it. The first was in a book by Julia Cameron.

    She said, “The doing of a small something when a large something is too much for us is perhaps especially an act of faith.”

    It’s hard to remember that small things add up.

    *********
    That’s a terrific quote. Do you know the name of the book it was in?

    Kerrie

  4. Susan says:

    It’s from Finding Water: The Art of Perserverance.

    Her books are supposd to help you build up the artist within you with a 12 week program. The first week is about finding and maintaining optimism.

    I was a little afraid to give the name before because I didn’t want to look like a spammer.

    *******
    Thanks for the name — and for not being a spammer. 🙂

    Kerrie

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